


The Secret

by incredibly_cold



Series: The Hamfam goes to college [16]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: F/M, Frances really isn't in it a lot, John is suffering again woops, M/M, confessing secrets and shit, like he tries to 'fix' himself by having sex with martha, self corrective rape, with obvious consequences
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-10
Updated: 2016-08-10
Packaged: 2018-08-07 19:52:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7727650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/incredibly_cold/pseuds/incredibly_cold
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John knew he couldn't keep his daughter a secret forever. She was a person, and people couldn't be hidden forever. Still, he wasn't ready for people to know about her. He especially wasn't ready to tell Alex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Secret

**Author's Note:**

> It's not totally necessary, but this does tie in quite a bit to this story (http://archiveofourown.org/works/7023157/chapters/15983800) so if you want more context then go ahead and read that!

John was trying to do the math. He'd been hired at his new job on January third, and gotten his first paycheck on the fifteenth, because that was when people got paid. It wasn't a lot of money, since he hadn't been working very long, and he'd waited until the next day to go to the bank and cash it. That was when he's gotten shot. He stayed in the hospital for a week, and then another week with the Washingtons, which meant he'd come back to the dorm on the thirty first. And now it had been another week and a half. February eleventh, that was the date, according to his phone. Which meant that the ever growing pile of mail on his side of the desk went back almost a whole month. All he'd opened in that period of time was a few bills, because they were impersonal and necessary enough that he could force himself to take care of them. What remained were probably a mixture of late Christmas cards (significantly later now, due to his neglect,) and thank you cards from people he'd gotten presents for. He supposed now was as good a time as any to open them, since Alex was in class, and he had nothing else to do. They could use any money that might be inside anyway.

The first three on the pile were thank you cards. He skimmed over them for any important news and then tossed them all in the trash. Thank you cards were stupid, in John's opinion. Everyone knew that everyone was thankful for their gifts, so spending time, energy, and money on writing a card just to say so was asinine. The next had twenty dollars, which he left in the card and set aside so he could remember to write his own thank yous (as much as he hated them, they were expected,) then continued through the pile.

Another ten cards and he was almost to the bottom of the stack. The next card had a green envelope, John's favorite color. He opened it up, and immediately felt sick.

Baby pictures. A little baby in a Christmas dress, smiling at the camera. A baby in pajamas sleeping on the floor among scattered toys and wrapping paper. John swallowed hard and forced himself to breathe. His oldest cousin had just had a baby, this could easily be her. She looked a little old, but really what did he know about kids? He couldn't tell how old this one was at all. He forced himself to read the message on the card.

_Your baby girl is getting so big! We had a great Christmas, and you're always willing to come to the next one! -Martha and Frances Manning_

John felt a wave of nausea surge through him, and the card and the pictures fluttered to the ground. He could feel the panic rising in his chest. He could destroy it and no one would ever know about it. Everything would be fine if he just burned all the evidence of this card ever existing. He didn't have to think about this or acknowledge it ever again. He couldn't burn it in their dorm though. Even if he had some kind of metal bowl or trash can that could contain the fire, there was the smoke alarms to worry about. If he started a fire, then he could be kicked out and then Alex wouldn't have anywhere to live.

Then it hit him. Hercules Mulligan and Marie Lafayette had an apartment with a fireplace. Right now they should both be out, and he could get in and out without anyone ever knowing what had happened.

John was out the door before he even changed out of his pajamas, and practically sprinting down the hall and the stairs and out of the building. He slowed down only because of the dizzying pain in his ribs, and only then did he realize he'd forgotten to put on shoes. It didn't matter, they didn't live that far away. He didn't mind the pain from the cold pavement. It was sunny and fairly warm today, and there was no snow on the sidewalk, so it probably wasn't going to give him frostbite or anything. He did get some strange looks, which was probably fair. A coatless, barefoot man running around in pajamas with his arm in a sling wasn't exactly a common sight.

Despite his injuries, he covered the usually ten minute walk in about seven. By the time he arrived, he could hardly feel his feet at all. They were just stiff and painful, and he had no way of telling the difference between when they were and weren't touching the ground. It provided a challenge when he was climbing the stairs, but he ignored it and pulled out his keys (the only thing he's brought aside from the card and pictures.) Again he was thankful that he had a key so he could do this while both occupants of the apartment were out.

It was only once he got inside that he realized any problem with his plan: he had no idea where they kept their lighter or matches. Cursing, he threw the papers into the grate and started searching. He looked through drawer after drawer, and cabinet after cabinet. He checked the desk, and then even the bathroom, and found nothing. This was terrible, he'd gotten here and he didn't know what to do anymore. As the anxiety started to build again, he began to pace in front of the cruelly unlit fireplace. Where else could it possibly be?! Lafayette loved candles, so there had to be something somewhere.

Then he saw it, a lighter laying on the wooden shelf they'd put in place of a mantle. It was stupid and obvious, and he felt like an idiot for not thinking of it. He gladly picked it up and began trying to actually light it. With his sweaty hands and the fact that he could only use one of them, it wasn't easy. The lighter clicked uselessly, again and again.

Then suddenly, and very unexpectedly, he heard footsteps on the stairs. Someone was coming. Hercules, by the sound of it. Why the fuck was he here at this time?! John had to hurry, had to get it done fast. With a renewed sense of urgency, he tried again. Once, twice, finally it lit on his third try, and he held the flame to the edge of the card with the pictures inside. He heard keys in the lock, and he willed it to catch faster. Damn it, why wasn't it just burning? It was paper for gods sake, why was it so damned flame resistant? The edge would catch and burn out again almost as soon as it was lit.

There was no way it could have burnt before Hercules opened the door. Even after he heard his friend enter, he continued his efforts to destroy the evidence. It was only after a few more seconds of trying and failing to light it that John noticed that his friend wasn't trying to stop him. He looked over his shoulder and saw that he only looked wary and concerned. He was giving John his space.

The same could not be said for Marie. A second pair of footsteps, lighter and faster, followed the football player into the room. Unlike his boyfriend though, he rushed forward, snatched the barely burning paper right out of John's hands, and shook it to put out the flames. "Oh, what's this?" He was opening the card, looking inside, and it was like time had stopped working. Nothing in the world mattered except stopping him.

"Give it back!" He shouted as he leapt to his feet. Lafayette just took a step back and held the card out of his reach. It didn't matter that they were best friends. Without really thinking about what he was doing, he curled his hand into a fist and let it swing.

Contrary to what most people thought, John wasn't completely awful at fighting. He could actually punch really well, he just didn't usually try. Now was not one of those rare times where he did. He felt his knuckles smashing into his friend's jaw, felt the pain in his hand from the force of it.

Marie went down like a ton of bricks. He was laying on his back, dazed, holding the card. John didn't have time for regret, he _needed_ that card. He was already reaching for it when Hercules grabbed him and pulled him off of his boyfriend. He was saying something, but John wasn't listening to him, he was kicking and fighting and trying to get out of his grasp.

"John, what the fuck?! What's going on?!"

"Let me go, I need that card!" With the way that Hercules had picked him up, both of his arms were pinned to his sides. All he could do to try to get the bigger man to drop him was repeatedly kick him in the shins and knees, which unfortunately he was taking very well.

"No, you need to calm down. He won't read your card."

John wriggled himself around, trying to find a weak spot in his friend's grip, until a particularly hard pull wrenched his injured shoulder and he cried out in pain. "Put me down, you asshole! You know he'll read it!"

Hercules did not let him go, but he did shift his grasp so that he was no longer disturbing John's left arm. "Cut it out, will you?! I don't want to hurt you, but we're going to do something about your feet before we even start worrying about anything else!"

"My feet?" He hadn't really thought about his feet. They hurt like hell, but they weren't really his priority. Now he looked down at them and noticed that they were purplish red. Well, that wasn't really unexpected, with the fact that he hadn't put on any shoes. "My feet are fine, put me down!"

"Your feet _might_ be fine, but they also _might_ have frostbite. I promise you that Marie won't look at your card, okay? We just need to soak your feet in some warm water so you don't lose any toes."

"I'm not going to lose any toes. Why can't I just have the card?"

Hercules sighed loudly against the back of John's head. "First of all, you don't know that. You ran over here barefoot like some kind of idiot, and now you might be seriously hurt. Again. If holding the card will make you feel better, then okay, but we also have to take care of you." It was like he thought that John was actually refusing treatment. He wasn't trying to get his feet amputated, he honestly hadn't noticed that anything was wrong. Luckily though, having said what he needed to say, Hercules let go so that he was free to grab the card.

Lafayette was not unconscious, but he also wasn't getting up. He couldn't take a hit, apparently. Fortunately he also wasn't trying to hold onto the card. He let go of it without a fight, and John willingly followed his other friend into the bathroom.

Hercules spent a while trying to get the water to the correct temperature to thaw his feet without burning them. It was something that wouldn't really have occurred to John, but he supposed that with the numbness he probably wouldn't have felt himself getting burned if the water was too hot. It was nice to have someone so level headed around. He'd probably googled what to do with frostbite when he was on his way over.

In what was simultaneously a very sweet and a very rude gesture, Hercules stayed by John's side while he sat on the edge of the bathtub and let his feet soak instead of going out to make sure that his own boyfriend was okay. He didn't pry about the card either, didn't say anything about it at all.

After a little while, Marie came into the bathroom and sat on the counter. His left cheek was already visibly swollen compared to his right. He was no longer in his cheerful snooping mood, instead he stayed quiet and looked up at the ceiling. They were all silent for a while. John felt bad about hitting one of his own best friends, and Hercules was respecting the fact that he didn't want to talk. Because of that, it was Lafayette who broke the silence first.

"So what did the baby ever do to you?"

_No._

There was a certain serenity that came for just a moment at times like this. The calm before the storm, kind of, but for emotions. The space of a single breath where John felt like his body had been plunged into ice water, and he could feel the wave of horrible feelings about to rush over him. It was one of his least favorite feelings.

Marie had looked at the card. He had seen it before John had knocked him down. There was horror, fear, anguish, and so much anger. He was angry that he hadn't hit him fast enough, or hard enough. This wan't what he wanted, what he ever would have wanted. He seriously considered just plunging his face into the tub of water and ending it, but realistically that wouldn't be possible with two other people in the room. At the very least he knew that he was going to vomit, that was unavoidable.

Hercules had been sitting on top of the closed toilet, but when John shoved at his legs with his one good arm and twisted himself around to face it, he took the hint and got up. He almost wasn't quick enough. Both of the other men watched as John threw up what little food he had in his stomach with similarly grossed out and concerned expressions. They stayed silent while he stayed there, panting, after he had finished.

John could feel his heart hammering in his chest, feel the nervous sweat making his hands slick even as he reached out with shaking hands to grab a piece of toilet paper to wipe his mouth. He could hardly even hold it with the way he was trembling. He didn't want to look at his friends and see their concern, he just wished that this whole thing hadn't happened. Hercules wouldn't make him answer or explain if he didn't want to, but Marie was a different story. Sure, he was worried and cared, but he was also super nosy. If John didn't say anything, he'd find out some other way, and then interrogate him about it later. He had to tell them. It was going to happen sooner or later now that Henry wouldn't be protecting the secret, but he still wasn't ready.

"I mean I thought it was a pretty cute baby, you're kind of overreacting."

"She's my daughter," he blurted out quickly, before he could overthink it and stop himself.

It was clear that of all the things he possibly could have said, neither of his friends were expecting that. If he wasn't completely filled with about a million negative emotions, he might have found their expressions funny. Both of their eyes got all wide, and they gaped at him. Again, Marie was the first one ready to comment.

"John you are the gayest person I know. How did that ever happen?" He looked almost gleeful until a sharp glare from his boyfriend reminded him of the situation and he managed to make himself a little more serious. "I mean, I didn't ever think you would have a kid," he paused and looked between John and Hercules. "How did that ever happen?"

Even now, after he had run more than a mile barefoot to burn a card and possibly gotten frostbite from doing so, punched him, and now vomited because he was so nervous, Lafayette was _still_ being nosy about his sex life. It was funny, even right now when nothing was funny, and he found himself able to joke around a little. "Never underestimate the power of alcohol, fear, and determination."

Of course, as frequently ended up being the case, neither of his friends thought his joke was very funny. Honestly it would be so much easier if he had friends that could also treat the bad things that happened to John as a joke.

"What do you mean?" It was Hercules who spoke up this time, since Lafayette had now fallen completely silent and looked more hurt than John had ever seen him.

"I don't know. I mean what I said," he replied, slightly irritated with the question. "It's kind of a long story, I guess."

"We'll listen."

So he told them what happened. It was the short version, of course, kind of like he'd given the Washingtons, and he couldn't stop shaking for any of it. It wasn't because he was cold, although he did accept Hercules' jacket when it was wrapped around his shoulders, it was because he was nervous. Sure, these were his friends, people who really liked and cared about him, but that didn't mean that wouldn't change. He wasn't a good person. This was proof. Not the part where Frances happened, but the part where he avoided her like the plague and kept himself out of her life. Even if she was his, he hadn't done anything to earn the title of dad. Even if it was an accident, he had a responsibility to help raise her, and he hadn't held up his end of that. He was a coward, a flake, a deadbeat, a disgusting human being.

They took it better than he thought they would. Marie still looked oddly pained by the whole thing, considering he was usually the one encouraging John to have casual sex, but he didn't care to ask why. It was probably better that he didn't know anyway. John almost thought that this whole thing might not be life-shatteringly bad until Alex walked in.

The front door opened and shut quietly enough that none of the three heard it until Alex walked into the room. As soon as he saw his boyfriend, his demeanor changed from hesitation and concern, to outright panic. "Oh my god, are you okay?! What happened?! Did someone hurt you?!" His hands flitted over John's body, checking for signs of injury, (by now his feet were thawed and he was wearing Lafayette's slippers to keep them warm.) When he found nothing, he was able to calm down a little, but the concern and confusion was still evident on his face.

"It's nothing," John lied. It was a weak lie, and he knew it, but there was also no way he could come up with something that _was_ convincing, so he just had to hope that Alex would assume it wasn't a big deal and not pry.

That didn't work out. "John, you're shaking. Well, you're shaking more than usual." Both of them tended to shake a little bit at all times, though neither of them knew why. Maybe blood sugar. "Whatever, obviously it's something. Talk to me."

"Maybe we should go," Hercules volunteered, before the conversation could progress any further. He probably wanted to give them some privacy to talk about what was probably one of the most stressful talks that two people who were dating could have. The whole 'I actually have a child that you don't know about' chat. Normally it would have been a good idea, but as soon as he stood from the closed toilet lid, John grabbed his leg.

"Please don't go! I can't do this!"

"Do what?" Alex was still baffled, and clearly getting more exasperated with the lack of information by the second.

Hercules didn't acknowledge him at all. "You have to do this, John. We can stay with you if you want us to, but you know you have to face this thing." He was right, as usual. "Maybe in the living room instead of the bathroom though, it's a little crowded in here."

"Is someone going to tell me what's happening here?" Alex asked, more loudly this time.

Marie finally answered him, since the other two were clearly not going to. "He's not hurt or anything but... It's complicated, mon ami. Let's go out there and sit down and John can explain it to you."

They sat down, but John made sure that Hercules was beside him instead of Alex. He knew that telling Alex was going to be harder than anyone else. Abandoning his own daughter, that would be personal for him, not like the others. He needed someone between them that he knew would be able to stop the fight that he could easily imagine taking place. This time he was going to tell the whole story and hope that maybe it would somehow justify his actions. He took a deep breath to steel himself and started.

* * *

_In a way, the whole thing had started back in middle school. There was this boy named Jake, and he was John's best friend. Jake's mother was from Jordan, and his dad was white, and from South Carolina. That was probably why they got along so well in the first place, because they both had immigrant mothers, and fathers who didn't understand. Jake was wonderful and nice, and Henry even liked him because he looked white enough to be more acceptable than some of John's other friends._

_By the time they were in high school, the two of them were thick as thieves. Jake was charismatic, friendly, and_ so _handsome.. He had beautiful brown eyes, and the longest blackest eyelashes that John had ever seen. Sometimes John found himself staring at those eyes when his friend wasn't looking, but he always brushed it off. He couldn't say now whether or not he was just in denial of his growing crush, or if he was actually unaware for the first two years, but he did remember for certain that in Junior year he finally admitted it to himself._

_Jake had always related to him in everything. South Carolina was pretty segregated, and he understood how it felt to be too brown to fit in with the white kids, and too white to fit in with anyone else. He understood having a father who would never like him no matter what he did. He understood having this whole other culture that he wasn't allowed to talk about with anyone but his mother. The only thing he hadn't understood in all this time was losing a mother, and that was better anyway. Now though, John felt like everything their friendship was built on was falling apart._

_He couldn't tell him, of course. There were places where being gay was okay and accepted, but South Carolina definitely wasn't one of them. For a while he did consider it, but then he remembered a TV show he'd watched once where people explained why they went to jail. One of them was in for a life sentence because he'd burned his best friend alive after he found out he was gay. He couldn't see Jake doing something like that, but then again the poor guy who'd been burnt alive probably hadn't thought his best friend would do something like that either. It was better to just keep it a secret._

_John got to watch his best friend who he was hopelessly in love with become the biggest fuckboy in the school. He didn't understand it. Jake wasn't nice to any of the girls he had sex with, but somehow he still managed to find plenty of them who were willing to have one night stands. He even tried to set John up a few times, but it just didn't work. As soon as they got past the initial flirting, John floundered and failed. Still, Jake stayed his friend, close as ever, with only the occasional teasing._

_Soon they were graduating, and John was going up to New York. They said they would stay in touch, but after a while that kind of faded away. It was nice though, in a weird way, to be away from him. John was able to forget about the whole thing, and who he was. He didn't forget Jake, but he did fade from the forefront of his thoughts as he got involved in school and his new friend, Hercules. That was, until they saw each other again at Christmas time._

_He didn't know why it didn't occur to him that Jake would still be home for the holidays. He'd chosen to go to college in state, so it wasn't like he wouldn't be able to make the trip. He came over unexpectedly and invited John to a party at a friend's house. Stupidly, John had agreed. He'd thought that it would be like old times, but that had been in a different stage of their lives, and they couldn't just go back._

_One thing that was different was the age of their friends. Now that Jake knew some other college students, he knew people who could legally buy alcohol for them. John didn't drink as much as everyone else, for fear of accidentally revealing the secret he'd been fighting so hard to keep while his inhibitions were low. Seeing Jake had brought back all of those feelings that he'd thought he were over, and with them came the crushing pain of knowing that they would never be reciprocated. He watched Jake laughing with girls, and groping them, and felt his heart breaking all over again._

_Sometime over the course of the night, Jake noticed that John wasn't enjoying himself, and decided to help him out the same way that he usually did, by introducing him to a girl. Her name was Martha Manning. She was tall and thin, and lacking curves, but John didn't mind that. Actually, he preferred it that way. She was still very pretty. Long, straight, brown hair, and dark blue eyes. She was intimidating at first glance, but within a few minutes of talking to her, it became clear that she was actually really friendly and caring. She thought that it was cute how he got all nervous, and she seemed interested in talking, not just sex, which was nice because the sex part terrified John._ _Somehow, they ended up agreeing to go on a date the next day._

_Jake was proud of him, happy that he'd finally made some headway with a girl. Among all the praise and high fives, John realized that maybe this was a chance for him. He really liked_ _Martha. If he could just fall in love with her, maybe he could stop being in love with Jake. Maybe he could fix himself. A part of him knew it wasn't fair to her, but he was selfish, and all he cared about was trying to be something else._

_Winter break in college seemed like an eternity compared to winter break in high school. Instead of a week and a half, he had four weeks. A whole month. It was enough time for things to get way more serious than he'd ever expected. Martha had become like a new best friend in a very short time. If he tried, he could even convince himself that the love he felt for her was romantic._ _John discovered that he didn't mind kissing girls all that much. He hadn't gotten a lot of experience before, but kissing was nice, even if there wasn't any attraction there. If they could have only kept their relationship a matter of talking and kissing, it all would have been okay._

_It was about three days until John would have to go home, and Martha texted him to come over to her house. That by itself was a little unusual, since they usually went out or to John's, but he didn't really question it. If she felt comfortable having someone as rich and entitled as he knew he was in her smaller, less elegant home, then it only meant that she trusted him. He was more than happy to go over. His happiness turned to shock when he found out why she'd invited him._

_He'd assumed all this time that the reason they weren't having sex was that Martha was as uninterested as him, or at least that she didn't really care. It was something he'd let himself stop worrying about. When he got to her house and found her in nothing more than a bra and panties, he didn't really know how to react. On one hand he was very alarmed, and at least a little bit nauseated at the sight. Objectively she was very pretty, and on a very basic level he could appreciate the female body, but knowing what he was supposed to_ do _in a situation like this made him feel sick and panicky. On the other hand, if he could have sex with her, maybe it would change something. Maybe it would be really good, and he'd start being attracted to women._

_When John did nothing, she took it as a sign of nervousness, and she held him close and kissed him with a few reassuring whispers about how her parents weren't home and that they were ready for this. He wanted to agree with her, but he didn't. He didn't want this. He was a gay man dating a woman, and he knew that this was a possibility, but he just wasn't ready for it. Maybe he never would be._

_It started out easy, with kisses and touches, and she noticed that he wasn't really into it. He played it off by saying he was nervous, which wasn't exactly a lie, and that's when the alcohol came into it. Something to make him loosen up a little._ _It might have made him less uptight, but nothing could have made him comfortable. Martha wasn't an idiot, she could see it, but no matter how many chances she gave him to back out, he didn't take any of them. He honestly wished he could just forget the whole thing._

_If he could have somehow separated the physical sensation and the awareness of what was happening, it might have even been pleasant. If he didn't have to, that would have been even better. Unfortunately, neither of those happened, and once it was all over he felt terrible. A lot of it was guilt. He felt bad about using Martha to try to change who he was. He felt bad because she'd never done anything wrong but he still couldn't look at her and he wanted to scrub all traces of her from his skin. Wanted to stay away from her at all costs._ _John didn't stay afterwards, he couldn't. He left without saying anything, and Martha didn't try to stop him. They didn't talk for the remaining three days until he left._ _Well, she texted him once, but when he didn't reply she didn't push the issue._

_Once he was back at school he did his best to pretend the whole thing never happened. He didn't tell Hercules anything about it, and he didn't ever text Martha back. He didn't let himself think about any of it. That's why he was so shocked when she called him a little over a month later. For one thing, no one ever called except in emergencies, and he definitely wasn't close enough to be a help in any kind of crisis, and for another thing she was calling after over a month without contact. He almost didn't answer, just because the whole situation was so suspicious. Then he decided that she was too nice to be actively trying to hurt him, and decided it was probably safe to answer._

_He wished he'd never picked up._

_The call was a crisis, one that he should have seen coming as soon as he saw her number. She was pregnant. The first thing John did when she told him was ask if she was sure it wasn't someone else's. She seemed a little offended by that question, but she did assure him that it couldn't possibly be anyone's but his._

_John panicked. He'd been coping by pretending it hadn't happened, but now he was going to be the father to some kid. Some awful, permanent reminder of the most traumatic experience in his life. She'd already told him that she wasn't aborting it, which maybe he should have been relieved about, but he definitely wasn't. He did the only thing he could think of to do, he called his father and begged him to make the problem just go away. He was a politician, he and his team of lawyers could do anything._

_In the end, Martha was willing to make a deal. She wouldn't bother John, and wouldn't create any bad publicity for Henry by painting his oldest son as a deadbeat dad. In return, she got more than enough money to comfortably raise a child on her own. If John changed his mind, he could initiate contact, and she would send him things occasionally to say how the kid was doing._

_With his knack for shutting out anything he didn't want to acknowledge, John was able to forget about it. At least until he got a card in the mail in October telling him that his daughter, Frances, had been born healthy. He was numb with horror, suddenly reminded of that which he had so effectively forgotten. He threw away the evidence and tried to forget again, which might have worked eventually if it wasn't for the second card that he got in January, late for Christmas, but still close enough to know what it was for. This time, there were pictures._

_He went into a downward spiral, acting out more recklessly than he even did usually. Instead of occasionally getting into arguments that might turn into actual fights, he went for real fights to begin with. He stopped waiting to heal before he got into another one too, within two weeks he was so battered that it was hard to move, and even then he picked another. His mistake then was not checking for rings before he took a swing. That was when Professor Washington found him bleeding in the cold and took him home, which is what later lead to Alex moving in, and later to their dating._

_With Alex, things got better again. He had something else to focus on again, and it pulled him out of his issues with Frances. This time he had a whole year before his secret reared it's ugly head._

* * *

Alex was furious. Or maybe he just wanted to be furious. It was hard to feel anything but pity for John when he was shaking with fear. Fear of Alex, and what he might do. It was impossible to be mad at that. "It's okay," he found himself reassuring his boyfriend, even though it wasn't really. "It's okay, I still love you. I wish you would have told me before, but I still love you." He got up to hug him or do something that might make him stop shaking and crying like that, and felt his heart breaking when John braced himself for a blow. He didn't draw attention to it, just hugged him instead.

There was silence for a while, the only sound in the room being John's shaky breaths. Then Lafayette finally spoke. "John, I don't want to make you talk about anything that will make you uncomfortable." Alex could feel John tensing up against him. "It's just... Were you raped?"

Marie was the kind of person who would probably kill anyone who sexually harassed another person. Finding out that someone he cared about had been violated like that was definitely bad. Well, Lafayette had been acting a little weird when Alex had gotten here, and that must be why. He was probably ready to kill Martha, but first he needed to make sure that his friend was okay.

It took John a while to answer. "No, she didn't- I didn't," he fumbled with his words. "She kept trying to make sure that I still wanted to do it, and I lied. She didn't do anything wrong, it's all my fault."

From the look on his face, it was obvious that the frenchman didn't agree, and Alex had to side with him. Clearly John hadn't wanted to have sex with her, and clearly she could tell. It was her responsibility to have stopped, regardless of what he said. Knowing what had happened did cause certain things to make more sense. He'd always been careful with making sure John was comfortable, but now that he knew about this... Well, he would be even more wary.

Alex felt like that topic was a good thing to get away from. "But she sent you pictures? Of the baby, I mean. For Christmas."

"Yeah."

He was hating this woman more and more, and he'd never even met her. He supposed it was justified for her to want to hurt John after he'd run away from something he helped create, but he also couldn't stand by and let anyone do that to his boyfriend. "But why did you come here?"

"I'm going to burn them," he responded flatly.

Burning them? He knew that John didn't want to even acknowledge that she existed, but Alex was finding out that his boyfriend had a child. He loved kids, and now especially he wanted to see this one. He wanted to look at her little face and see if she looked like her dad. He didn't want them to just burn up and be a useless pile of ashes. "Can I look at her first?" He asked, uncertainly. He didn't really want to push things, but he had to see the pictures.

John looked at him helplessly, but pulled a folded card out of his pajama pockets and handed it over. "I guess it doesn't really matter now. You can all look."

He couldn't really explain why he was nervous about opening up the card. Maybe he was worried that she wouldn't look like John, or maybe he was worried that she would. Not that it really mattered what she looked like, he wouldn't be seeing her in real life anyway, but he was still curious. When he did see her though, his heart melted. She had blue eyes, rounder than John's, and wispy light brown curls that stuck out around her cute little Christmas headband. There wasn't a freckle in sight, but he supposed those might come in later. However, it did look like she might have gotten his nose.

He looked at John again just in case, and waited for a nod from him before he passed the pictures on to Laf, who then passed them on to Hercules. It seemed like it would be rude to ask, but he couldn't help wondering if the other two were as enchanted by her as he was. Surely they were, it was impossible not to be. She was beautiful. She looked like John.

Alex wasn't stupid though, he knew his boyfriend didn't want to hear him talk about how wonderful she was. He hated her, no matter how unfair and illogical that might be. This was a sensitive subject for both of them. It was John's life, and therefore undoubtedly more serious for him, but it did strike a personal chord with Alexander as well. An absent father. If it were anyone else he couldn't have helped but harbor some resentment, but this was John. Well, that wasn't all of it. He could easily have gotten mad at John, but not when he was like this. He was ready to shut down. Shaky, sweaty and pale. Every time he started to get mad, he remembered how John had actually thought that he was going to hit him and the anger just kind of fizzled out.

"I'm sorry, John."

His boyfriend's eyes were puffy when he looked up, and also remarkably green. Probably all the red making it stand out more. "What?"

"I'm sorry that happened to you, and that you've been having to deal with this on your own. We're here for you now though."

It wasn't the kind of reaction he was expecting. He opened his mouth to say something, but all that came out was an ugly sob and he buried his face in Alex's chest and cried. They stayed like that for a long time. None of them really wanted to stop him, since he only rarely showed any feeling but anxiety and this seemed like a good kind of crying.

They stayed at Hercules and Marie's apartment that night. John was exhausted from all the running and panicking, and everyone thought it was best if he had all of them around for whatever he might need. He slept better than normal. Alex could feel him drift off, curled into his chest, almost as soon as they laid down.

When the morning came, it was almost like the whole thing had never happened. John avoided all mention of it, and no one really wanted to bring up that trauma. They had already discussed it, there wasn't much else to do. They just didn't ever acknowledge the fact. Not the next day, and not the next week. As weird as it felt to ignore something like that, it was worth it to see John slowly getting comfortable with them all again. He seemed to trust them more than before, knowing that they accepted him with that on his back.

* * *

It was another month and a half before the story broke.

Well, broke was a little official, in reality it was more of a leak. In disowning his son, Henry also wanted to rid himself of the financial burden that was his own granddaughter. When he stopped paying though, Martha threatened to sue him. She could have done it to. Since she had in no way violated her part of the contract, he was clearly in the wrong, and she wouldn't even need good lawyers to prove it.

Of course, the famous Senator Laurens couldn't have his son's scandal and his own coverup made public. It would be like Watergate for conservative southerners, and the fact that he was trying to take the income from a young mother would just add to it. He agreed to keep paying her without much argument and tried to keep it all very quiet, which might have worked if he wasn't a public figure and if lawyers and case workers didn't talk. It was still very private, but certain people did have connections, and they got to hear all the juicy details.

Thomas Jefferson was the kind of person who liked to know everything about everyone. It didn't matter if they were a friend or an enemy, he found out everything he possibly could about everyone he interacted with regularly. Some were easier than others. James Madison, for example, came from a very religious family. He still resented them after the way they'd treated him when he came out as trans, even if they had sort of made up. Hercules Mulligan was the star football player in high school, he came from Kansas, and he had a little sister. Marie Lafayette was as rich as they came, and he was from France. His parents hoped a few years on his own in a foreign country might make him a little more responsible. They were easy, James not so much except they were dating and living together, which did take away some secrecy. Alexander Hamilton was difficult. He was dirt poor and came from somewhere in the Caribbean. There wasn't much else to know.

John Laurens was the kind of person who he thought he knew everything about until new things kept cropping up. He was the son of a very conservative Senator from South Carolina, easy enough. He had five siblings, all younger, and his mom was dead. But then there was the part where he was possibly gay, and after that the part where he started dating Alex, although he never really made that public, and then where apparently he was suicidal too, and let himself get shot. John had become the most interesting puzzle Thomas had ever tried to solve. James told him to lay off, but how could he? Just a month and a half ago he'd seen the man running barefoot down the road in his pajamas! He'd had to call Hercules and Lafayette to make sure he was okay, since it looked like he was heading to their apartment. Whatever his beef with their friend group, he did like John and he was genuinely concerned about his well being. But the incident had also sparked a fierce desire to know _why on Earth he was out running like that,_ and he put all his spare time and resources into finding out what had happened.

It took a while, but he'd finally gotten something. His uncle's friend's cousin happened to be a social worker who had this case involving a big Senator and it was all very secretive, which meant that Thomas knew all about it. Apparently John Laurens had a daughter. One that his dad didn't want to support anymore.

Thomas knew exactly what the course of action was for something like this. He would tell John that he knew about her and see what else he could get. He approached him on campus between classes and said it with just the right amount of tact and discretion. "Holy shit John, I didn't know you had a daughter!"

Apparently that was a very bad idea. Somehow he'd forgotten to take into account that John liked to hit people and that he tended to fly off the handle at even the slightest insult to himself. Before he even knew what was happening, he was on his back with John on top of him. Then he heard a crack and his nose exploded with pain, and he could feel the warm blood on his face.

Almost immediately John was off of him, and when Thomas opened his eyes he saw Professor Washington holding him. John looked as shocked and terrified as Thomas felt, and he wasn't fighting to get free. Of course, shock and fear didn't fix his nose or stop the blood pouring out of his face from ruining his shirt, so he didn't much care at the moment, but he did think back to that later that night.

* * *

"I told you it was a bad idea." James pointed out unhelpfully as he handed Jefferson a bowl of macaroni and cheese.

He let out an irritated sigh, only slightly affected by his broken nose. "Well you didn't say anything about him being violent and hurting me physically. I just wanted to know about his kid."

There was a pause and Thomas looked up to see that James was glaring at him. "Actually I did tell you that he would hit you, you just weren't paying attention because you wanted to know about his kid. This whole thing is on you." He stopped and shook his head. "Besides, what if he hadn't hit you? You'd still be the asshole because you're prying where he clearly doesn't want you. I don't really think he's healthy enough mentally to put him through this kind of stress. I wouldn't be surprised if this whole thing triggered more self destructive behavior."

The bland neutral way that Madison could point out something so serious was sometimes a little disconcerting. Still, he was right. Thomas had been too busy thinking about himself to really consider the consequences for others. "You think he'll hurt himself because of this?"

"Or get someone else to hurt him, that does seem more his style."

Again, that was true. "How do I stop him?"

James thought about it for a while. "I'd say apologize to him. Explain that you only know because of personal connections and that you would never tell anyone. Tell him that you're not mad about your nose. That you should have known better and expected it."

Thomas opened his mouth to argue, but James held up a hand to stop him. "No, it's totally true. I knew it was going to happen, and I told you, so there's no excuse."

"Fine. And that will stop him?"

James shrugged. "I don't think you can really stop him from doing anything, but it won't hurt. Just try to make sure he knows that you're the one who fucked up and that you aren't angry. His friends will have to do what they can after that."

"Wow James, you really know how to make a guy feel better about himself," Thomas grumbled. He knew that it was his fault, but he already felt bad about it. It would have been nice if his own freaking boyfriend wasn't telling him that he was going to be responsible for anything bad that happened to John. Maybe he was in a way, but he couldn't help that Laurens was so self destructive.

The smaller man settled onto his bed, looking bored. "I'm just being level with you."

He didn't answer. James knew that he wasn't really mad at him, he was just mad at the situation. He'd go over and apologize after he was done eating. Alex and John were literally in the dorm next door, so it wasn't exactly out of the way. They even had an adjoining bathroom. "Maybe we should get him some lavender," he suggested. "You know, as part of the apology."

"Lavender?"

"Well he obviously likes it. I mean his hand soap, shower soap, shampoo, and conditioner are all lavender. Plus there's that lavender candle. I think it's safe to say that it's not a coincidence, so that would make it a considerate gift."

"You're going to fix your digging into his personal life with scented soap?"

Sometimes James' narrow thinking was astounding. "Obviously not with scented soap. We're getting him lavender everything. There's a fancy bakery a few blocks away, I think we can go there and back pretty fast."

James shook his head, but willingly followed his boyfriend when he forgot his food, grabbed his wallet, and left. Jefferson was always an erratic driver, and when he was in a hurry he was even worse. They narrowly avoided a head on collision, and got to the bakery without incident. Thankfully, they did have several things with lavender, which was great because James was't really in the mood to die running all over the city to get a stupid gift for John. Thomas didn't notice any discomfort of course, because he thought he was wonderful. He purchased half a dozen lavender cupcakes, and another half dozen lemon lavender cookies, and finally a loaf of lavender bread. James didn't ever realize that a flower was such a popular baking ingredient.

"It's not enough," Thomas said, as soon as they were in the car.

Great. "Thomas, I think that's plenty."

"Nope, I saw some lavender soda the other day. I think it was at Target."

So they got the soda at Target, and then once again he decided that it wasn't enough, so he dragged James along to some other place to get some damned lavender oil, which seemed kind of useless for anyone who wasn't a middle aged hippie woman in a big house with a diffuser, but of course saying so didn't help. The fifteen minute trip ended up taking forty five, and then they had to take all of it over in plastic shopping bags because they hadn't gotten a gift bag while they were out.

Alex opened the door after the second knock, looking very much like he hadn't slept in a week. Probably he hadn't. "What do you want?" He asked, a little rudely.

"Is John here?"

"Look, he doesn't need to deal with you right now. Haven't you done enough for one day?" Alex was understandably pissed. He and Thomas hated each other with a passion, and something like this certainly wasn't going to make it better.

"Just let him in if he wants to come in," John said from somewhere behind the door. When Alex grudgingly stepped away, they could see him on his back in his bed. He didn't sit up or anything, just kind of looked over at them. "So are you pressing charges or something?"

"Actually, I'm here to apologize."

It was the kind of thing that most people wouldn't expect from someone as pompous and self important as him, which was clearly visible in both men's expressions. "I'm sorry, what?" John asked, after a few seconds.

"It was something that I knew was private, and I shouldn't have brought it up. I haven't told anyone, and I _would_ never tell anyone, so you don't have to worry," he forced a smile. "And as James has so graciously pointed out that I was kind of asking for a punch in the face. I mean I have known you for like three years now, so it isn't new information that your first reaction is to fight. I should have been expecting it."

"When he says he should have been expecting it, he really should have been. He told me what he was going to do the day before and I told him that he was going to get punched in the face." James piped in. He didn't want them thinking that he'd only said anything after the fact.

John had sat up, but he was still looking at Thomas suspiciously. "So you aren't pressing charges? You're not even mad?"

"No, it was my fault. I shouldn't have said anything. Also we got you a couple of apology presents." He stepped forward and set the bags on the bed carefully. "You like lavender, so we got you some lavender shit."

"No way!" John opened the bag excitedly and pulled out the box with the cupcakes. "Holy shit, thanks guys!"

"So we're okay?" Thomas asked.

"Uh, definitely! You brought me lavender food! If you tell anyone anything though, you're dead." He told them as he took a huge bite out of the cupcake. There wasn't any real malice behind the threat, so it didn't spoil the mood.

Alex's shouting on the other hand kind of did. "JOHN STOP FUCKING EATING THAT SHIT, YOU'RE ALLERGIC TO LAVENDER."

"IT'S A VERY MILD ALLERGY, FUCK OFF." John shouted back, and he shoved all the rest of the cupcake in his mouth at once and struggled to chew it all while glaring indignantly at his boyfriend.

Thomas looked horrified, but James just shook his head. All his friends were complete idiots. Every single one.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it! You can follow me and talk to me/request other stories at incredibly-cold.tumblr.com. Please comment and tell me what you think or otherwise message me about it!


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